My Sacrifice

For so long, I’ve made effort
To learn, to strive, to grow
To be positive and optimistic
To kindle love’s wondrous glow

While I’ve grown beyond recognition
There’s an emptiness I feel 
A sorrow in my heart
That I yearn to understand, to heal

For with each passing day, each month, each year
I've set more of my essence up on a shelf
And hidden behind layers of responsibility
I find I am missing my old free and joyous self

Was it Just Your Perception?

For years I was weighed down in my service

By emotions, my own and those of others

By accusations, frustration and assumptions

By defensiveness and rigidity

I was sharing recently how grateful I am now

For encouragement and accompaniment

For ownership and consultation

For collaboration and flexibility

That I used to cry under the pressure of it all

To carry the responsibility of everything on my shoulders

To think I wasn't allowed to ask for help or assistance

To feel utterly alone and unsupported

I was asked, "but was that just your perception?"

Yes of course it was my perception

Yes of course my actions were dictated by my feelings and thoughts

But does that make them any less valid?

A Storehouse of Grief

She had often before inhaled defensiveness and anger, not her own, but rather composed of her loved one's guilt. Unsuspecting she had shared her own confusion and pain, and been met with a rain of fire and shame.  Unsure how to respond, she breathed out silent  emptiness, and held within her their rage, shame, guilt, pain; along with her own shattered trust.

Then, again, she breathed in anguish, hurt, confusion  and loss, but this time the pain went deeper. She was older, she understood more and yet didn't understand at all. She couldn't comprehend the injustice of being blamed for feeling grief, her distraught heart unable to find relief. So she breathed in a good-bye she never wished to say. A good-bye she thought  was forever, to everything she had ever treasured, to her joy and her pleasure. But even in her good-bye, she wasn't allowed to cry. So she breathed out silent defeat and held within her, emptiness, loss and turmoil, along with her loved one's anger, hurt, shame & guilt. 

But as she grew older, this pain built. Suffocating her will, bleeding away her energy, her light. She lost sight of the ground, no solid foundation to be found. During these years she breathed in loneliness, fear and hopelessness. She had no air to help her speak, for she had long ago stopped breathing deep of the life she was given to live. She held her breath in tortured silence, believing herself to be utterly alone, but also believing she was incapable of finding her truth on her own.

As life continued to move forward, her past haunted her. It taunted her to fight for responsibilities she had never wanted. For years she carried the weight of these responsibilities still living in her silent past, harassed by the belief that emotions were not meant to be shown and life's hardships were hers to carry, forever alone. She held her breath and prayed to bear and endure on her own.

But eventually she could hold her breath no longer and she slowly began to look at the weight it had been her fate to carry. With the help of those same loved ones, having reflected on their choices and found their own voices, she looked inside no longer tied to the fear and judgement which had been her life's internal guide. Their support and encouragement, her air, she offered up a silent prayer, and took a deep breath. She breathed in love and gratitude for all she had gained, strength she hadn't known she contained, and a willingness to change. And she found that she could. With each breath she began to heal, breathing in all that was real, the world and its joys, its sweetness, its light, and she exhaled the loss, the sadness, the fright, and said good-bye to the night; to the storehouse of grief that had unconsciously been her plight for most of her life. 

The Climb

She was told to climb the mountain

     An intimidating aspiration

     To conquer His marvelous creation

Seen from the bottom there was nothing but clouds

     The distance to the summit boundless

     The request unreasonable and groundless

No words could be spoken, not a single thought voiced

     Submitting outwardly, she began to walk

     Suffering, sweltering, yearning to talk

Frustration trapped in her parched mouth, she struggled with every step

     But slowly the complaints eased and faded

     As she moved forward alone and unaided

The echoes of silence consumed all her thoughts

     The wonder of being alone in her mind

     Of searching within herself and removing her blind

Nature's tranquility brought calm to her heart

     Her thoughts turned to the path she was treading

     Where she had been and to where she was heading

As she approached her goal, tears filled her eyes

     In awe of the freedom she felt in her soul

     The recognition of her true self, of taking control

Her last few steps were taken with wonderment

     Leaving behind her faults and imperfections

     The ecstasy of the moment bringing clarity to her reflections

She understood that life is not about fleeting trials or achievements

     For all these things will come and pass with the ebb and flow of time

     But rather, detaching from self and drawing closer to Him 

     Is the true and wondrous purpose of this never-ending climb

This is a poem I wrote in Jan-2011 but never published. I tweaked it a little, but it seems appropriate now for many reasons. It was inspired by a story from a friend's blog - http://sahbarohani.blogspot.co.il/2007/02/greatness.html.


Picture from google search - http://jakartaexpat.biz/travel/climbing-mt-merapi-no-jumping-pictures-please/

A Mother's Loss

Anger sears deep in her veins

An anger nothing can contain

At a God she does not even believe in 

At people who do not support her passion

But this anger is fueled by a soul deep hole

A sadness nothing can console

A loss as deep as a deadly canyon

On whose edge she stands with no companion

At the bottom of that drop is her beloved son

Gone before his fourth year had begun

Stolen by a disease she could not control

And yet the guilt rakes her to the depths of her soul

This guilt defines her very existence

Anger her body's only resistance

Without it she would fall into this canyon of sorrow

And there would be no movement, no tomorrow

So unable to find purpose in her path's tragic trials

She fights with every step to walk life's miles

Her anger the shield with which she faces the dawn

There is no right way to grieve, no manual for moving on

The Light of the Kingdom

Make me a beacon of ever-flowing light

A bird enamored by the gifts of flight

A minaret wafting songs of joy and delight

A haven of love in the darksome night

Purify my heart from all worldly things

From the dust which sullies my mortal wings 

From self-focused thought and the torment it brings

From this world to which my ego clings

Let the Light of the Kingdom radiate through me

Its reflection illuminated in the depths of the sea

Its glorious message setting hearts and souls free

As each of us strives in His Light just to 'Be' 

"Let the love and light of the Kingdom radiate through you, until all who look upon you shall be illumined by its reflection."

A Jasmine Blossom

The sweet perfume of thy petals

Will accompany me this day

Invigorating my soul

Strengthening and guiding my way

Given by the loving hand

Of a pure and radiant heart

A reminder of His constant grace

This living work of art

Your intoxicating fragrance

In an instant transports me

To the pivot of my essence

The threshold of His Mercy

Your fragile, delicate blossom

Will slowly wilt and die

But the glory of your fragrance

Is beyond the mortal eye

Gratitude With Every Breath

It takes challenges to recognize success

It takes experiencing illness to truly value health

It takes struggle to find and appreciate peace

It takes poverty to understand the responsibilities of wealth

When I can't breathe, when I can't see, when I have no energy

I pray to God for insight, for strength and my heart lifts

For I realize that a life without tests would defeat the purpose of living

And I am grateful for the tests, for the challenges, for the struggles, for they are all gifts

Listening for Wisdom

There is a calm reverence found in quiet reflection

Moments caught, captured, cherished

The gentle rhythm of air filling and exiting the lungs

Listening for God's confirmation

For wisdom's manifestation

When it comes, it is a whisper of insight

A soft urging, a tender knowing within our hearts

If we are patient, quiet, open, we will hear

We will pull into reality a tiny spark

A gentle glow in the dark

If we take this tiny epiphany and let it grow

Feeding it with contemplation and meditation

Until it is manifested in change, learning, action 

We will find that we have the tools to face any test

We will find that we are truly and utterly blessed

Photo taken by my dad (Kevin Trick). 

A Fire Within My Soul

This fire that burns within my soul

Cannot be smothered or quenched

It is the essence of my love for You

Deeply and firmly entrenched

I would sooner give up breathing

Than deny it's existence or block it's light

For without it's presence my life would be 

As directionless as wandering in the dark of night

It is the sun that gives me purpose and life 

My freedom, my comfort, my companion, my goal

Until each of us recognizes this blessed connection

We will never feel completely and peacefully whole

(picture taken by Kevin Trick)

Little One

A peace I haven't felt in years

Wafts over me as I sit here with you

All tension and worry disappears

And a quiet calm seeps through

The birds outside sing of the joys of God's grace

As in my arms you drift in gentle sleep

A smile softly flickers across your little face 

Oh my precious one, slumber deep

Dream of the world you will help to create

Of the brilliance your generation will bring to this earth

A world where love always conquers hate

And the beauty of your soul is what defines your worth

With your little hand wrapped around my finger

I yearn for our world to mature and transform

Into a place where purity and innocence linger

And trust and compassion are our culture's norm

The light you have brought, with your giggles and smiles

Has illumined our lives like the sun

Though your path may be filled with beautiful trials

You will never walk alone, my little one

Connection

Little by little I became a shadow
My essence unmanifested, my heart's comfort out of reach
Grasping for an anchor in this world
A connection from which Your love to beseech

But no matter how I struggled and searched
My efforts felt in vain, my quest incomplete
And as my joy and light slipped out of my grasp
I lost sight of the concrete

But with one glimpse of a mountain of snow
One raven's call, one forest's glory
I found that connection once again
The physical bindings to my soul's eternal story

A Martyr's Gift

27 years ago today, on June 10th, 1986, the day that I was born, a man named Farid Bihmardi was martyred in Iran. He was imprisoned for 22 months, 9 of which were spent in solitary confinement, he was not allowed access to his family or friends, was tortured, kept in horrible conditions and brutally murdered simply because he was a member of the Baha'i Faith and was serving at the time on a body of nine individuals charged with keeping track of the administrative affairs of the community of believers in Iran. 

His martyrdom though an immensely important event in my own life, was not a singular occurrence, since the Iranian Revolution in 1979 the Baha'is of Iran have been intensely persecuted. There are currently over 100 Baha'is imprisoned in Iran, some because they were striving to provide education to the Baha'i Youth in Iran who are being systematically kept from obtaining university degrees, some because of their efforts to be a part of the social transformation of their communities, and seven individuals for doing exactly the same thing that Farid was martyred for - for administering the social and religious affairs of the Baha'i Community in Iran. 

These seven individuals were imprisoned five years ago and two years later were sentenced to 20 years imprisonment. The longest sentence of any prisoners of conscience currently held in Iranian prisons. 

I am inspired by their strength and perseverance, and I pray with all my heart that their trials and tribulations be lifted soon. And I pray that they know that their sacrifices have not been for nothing, that their strength and courage have inspired millions of people around the world, of which I am just one. 

I wrote the following song to honor a man, whom I have never met, a man who brought joy and radiance to his fellow prisoners, who was a light and a beacon of love and Faith to all who met him. A man who has impacted my life in ways far beyond the range that my small song can express. 

A Martyr’s Gift

[verse 1]

As a baby I was taken to His shrine

On the threshold I was lain as a silent prayer

A prayer that His protection would be mine

That His guidance and love would always be there

And it has been all through my life

For you have always been with me

A calming strength in times of strife

A guide and friend endlessly

[chorus 1]

O Farid, O Farid

Your selflessness and grace

Has brought me to this place

You’ve been my light in the darkest night

My eyes when I had lost my sight

You gave me strength to do what was right

With the love you released as your soul took flight

[verse 2]

Walking down the path tonight

You take each step as I do

All that has passed and all that might

Has been and will be done for you

As your joyous soul was set free

On that radiant and blessed morn

It forever connected you and me

For that was the day that I was born

[chorus 2]

O Farid, O Farid

Your selflessness and grace

Has brought me to this place

You’ve been my light in the darkest night

My eyes when I had lost my sight

You gave me strength to do what was right

For I was born as your soul took flight

[bridge]

Taken before your time was through

For His Cause you lived and died

My life and death I give to you

O Martyr, watching from on High

[chorus 2]

Here are a few links in relation to the persecution of Baha'is in Iran and specifically in relation to Farid Bihmardi:

http://www.iranpresswatch.org/

http://www.iranhrdc.org/english/publications/reports/3149-a-faith-denied-the-persecution-of-the-baha-is-of-iran.html?p=29#.UbJXkPaY__Q

http://foadmanshadi.wordpress.com/category/bahai-human-rights-news/page/2/

Thank you to Sepher Fanaeian for playing the flute in the song.

All the pictures in the video are mine, except for the two with captions which are from the Baha'i World News Service website (http://news.bahai.org/human-rights/iran/iran-update/) and the last one (http://www.iranrights.org/english/memorial-case-15312.php).

Reflections

I feel like I've been lacking in creative inspiration

My mind and heart avoiding one another

My pen and fingers silenced by fear

Fear of what my heart and mind might say

Were they to meet

Right now I am drifting on a raft of separation

Holding my breath and trying not to make too many ripples

In the lives of others or myself

Not asking for anything, but wishing I could

Yearning to matter

I miss the comfort and sense of love that come

From living with a family

People to care for, to protect and cherish

A constant and continuous union of love and joy

Where all feel needed

Where the past and present meet is a rich sum

Of beauty and faith, light and joy

Where loss turns to growth and we continue to progress

Moving forward along a path

Known to all and yet none

Crisis and victory often shape my existence

As I walk a path unknown

Sometimes lonely and disappointed

Trying to be detached and to trust that if I put my faith in God

All will become clear eventually

Everyday I pray for Divine assistance

To let go of my sorrows and limitations

And I take comfort in the fact that as I struggle and learn

I draw closer to Him

And mature into the person He created me to be

This Friend's Greatest Wish

Our many long and deep conversations 

Of love and marriage, friendship and movement

Of joyous hopes and lost frustrations

Fill my mind with sweet amusement

To see you sitting in utter joy

Your walls gone, no longer needed

Giggling and gushing of an amazing boy

The love on your face unimpeded

The light that filled your eyes that day

Said all I could ever need to know

Your love a burning, glorious ray

That set your heart and soul aglow

I can't express the transformation

I've seen these last few months in you

But I can say without an ounce of hesitation

That the love you share is Divine and true

I've watched your faces, your hearts ignite

Each time that your eyes meet

And I've learned I'll tempt forever's spite

In search of a love as gloriously sweet 

A Door Unlocked

What waits for me there,

In the land of longing and glory?

An answer to my questions?

The continuation of my story?

Why have I been blinded for so long,

To the truth of my love for you?

You have called to me for eleven years

And my heart yearned for your view

My essence answered your call,

But I thought you were out of my reach

Gone forever from my life

Beyond any gift my prayers could beseech

Now I look back in wonder

At the door I thought was locked

And can’t wait for the day

When my footsteps again fall where once they walked

Home

Written 2 September 2012

My heart, as all others, was made for You
Your dwelling place, Your home
Unknowingly I gave it to the world
And left Your gift to roam

Now I yearn with every atom
Every element of my soul
To clear out the strangers living within it
And unquestioningly make Your light my goal

Written 8 January 2013

I've found home within myself
A quiet place where I am sure of my own truth
Where I can safely stop and think
And try to understand this world through my own eyes
This place is Your home for You built it within me
I am Your guest and You are my only Friend and Desire


O SON OF BEING! Thy heart is My home; sanctify it for My descent. Thy spirit is My place of revelation; cleanse it for My manifestation.

O SON OF SPIRIT! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.