Sweet One

Sweet One

My heart is overflowing with gratitude

As I sit here contemplating your sweet little soul

I have always known with unquestioning certitude

That someday your presence would make me whole

That you and your siblings would bring joy and completeness

The sense that my life’s purpose had been attained

With your smiles, your laughter, your light and your sweetness

I promise my love will be unrestrained

Take your time coming, but know we are here

Praying for you every morning and night

Waiting for your beautiful soul to appear

For our lives to be illumined by your radiant light

Your father and I promise to love you forever

As high as the sky and as deep as the sea

A love which nothing on this earth can sever

As far as the earth's core and as tall as the tree

This love will never for a moment waiver

It is as wide as the mountain and beyond what you see

Have faith in this love and let it help you be braver

As you learn to trust your heart and to give endlessly

Fire, Stone, Air and Water

Part 1 - Fire

A fire is born from the tiniest spark
A flame vulnerable and inconsequential
It must be protected and gently encouraged
In order to manifest it’s inherent potential

As humans we are much the same
Though we yearn to be independent
We must be encouraged and gently guided
In order to shine light glorious and resplendent

Thus the power we have in one another’s lives
Should not be ignored or considered lightly
We have the power to accompany, to believe in and love
And to gently encourage our friends to shine brightly

We also have the power to hurt those we love
When we think we have answers that they need to learn
Through a few thoughtless words or self-righteous acts
We can smother a spark before it can burn

So remember to love and gently encourage
To trust in the capacity of those who surround you
Believe in the flame that burns in their hearts
And watch as it’s beauty shines brighter and true

Part 2 - Stone

A polished stone begins as a rock
Protected and encased by the earth
Knowing nothing of its inner beauty
Unaware of its inherent worth

To manifest its hidden and glorious potential
Its rough edges must first be removed
Thrown together with other rocks
Through collision all edges are smoothed

Much like rocks it is quite a process
For our characters to be honed and polished
It is impossible to do in solitude
Alone our ego cannot be demolished

But in our relationships can be seen a tool
For complete and total transformation
When we collide and grind off each other’s edges
We catch glimpses of our true inner station

This is the beauty of human interaction
Through it we see with new eyes
For inside every human being
Is a gem just waiting to light up the skies

Part 3 - Air

We often smother ourselves
Hiding in the depths of our past
Unable to move forward
For fear each step will be our last

The air we breathe is filled with hurt
Denial, anger, fear and shame
We barely fill our lungs with air
Each breath poisoned with blame

We stop ourselves from feeling
The breezes of God’s love
Believing ourselves broken
And unable to attain the heavens above

But what if every test we’ve faced
Was strengthening our wings
Building within us courage and nerve
To rise to the heights of kings

Within us is the power to overcome
As much as we are willing to give
And as we transform we begin to see
That to fly is to truly live

Part 4 - Water

A drop of water becomes a puddle
A puddle becomes a stream
A stream becomes a river
Reflecting every sun beam

A river flows into a sea
A sea pours into the ocean
The depths of the ocean’s wisdom
Has set this world in motion

A tie of love is as two seas
Pulling two worlds together
Creating a body so vast and deep
It can calmly overcome any weather

Though the trials of this world of dust
May briefly darken its surface
It’s beauty lies beyond all reach
In the glory of it’s Divine purpose

For from marriage flows the essence of life
The potential for the transformation of our world
As each generation learns and develops
We watch a new civilization become unfurled

I Hope You Know

When each of you came into my life

You left a stamp on my soul

Your joy became my joy

Your sorrow, my sorrow

Nothing compared to the love that you shared

Or the way that you made me feel whole

And when you left

Whether quickly or with a prolonged good-bye

My heart broke a little

There is a hole in my heart now

Where once you were

A loss no words can express

Your toothless grin

Your deeply wise heart

Your tickle attacks 

Your "come and get me!"

Your endless questions

Your eyes filled with love

I miss each of you

Every day

More than words can say

My heart aches to hug you

To have you run into my arms

To watch you grow

To make sure you know

How deeply I love you

But I also hope

That you forget me

That you grow and learn

And that the time we spent together

Becomes a fading memory

A happy one

Oh how I hope it is a happy one

But not one that holds you back

Not one that brings you sadness

I hope you dream and you smile

That you find beauty in the tests you face

And are always surrounded

By His loving embrace

And I hope you know 

I hope you always know

How deeply

How utterly

How completely

You are loved

The Essence of Who I Am

Happy Birthday Mommy! You are the song of my soul and the radiance that unites our family and draws us ever closer together! I hope you know how deeply and profoundly you are loved!

I Am With You Always

This month is childhood cancer awareness month. I wrote this short story nearly two years ago. It was first published in a book called "Love: A Short Story Collection" (which you can buy on Amazon) but I've been wanting to share it on my blog as well and felt like this is clearly the appropriate month to do so. 

I Am With You Always

She wandered down the halls of the hospital in search of an escape, some door she could open that would change her present reality. A door that would take her to the life that was supposed to be, the life every parent envisions when their child is born: perfect, healthy and beautiful.

She couldn't breathe, her lungs screaming that this couldn't be real. Like an animal being hunted, all she knew was that she had to get away, to find some quiet place away from sympathetic and careful expressions. Her family and friends didn't know what to say, they ached for her, their pain written on their faces, but at the moment those faces made her want to scream in frustration and outrage at the injustice of it all. She knew in her heart that all they wanted was to help, to take even an ounce of her anguish away, but how could they? Nothing could fix this.

She read every sign on the walls, searching for something, anything, to offer her even a moment of solace. Her eyes honed in on the words ‘prayer room’ printed on a door she’d never noticed before. No one would think to look for her there. With a twinge of fear she opened the door.

Inside was a small room, blissfully empty and quiet, with a smattering of chairs and cushions around the walls and a table in the middle covered in books of various shapes, colors and sizes. The walls were painted a gentle blue, and there were a few shaded lamps that lit the room; a relief after the industrialized lighting in the hallways. She closed the door behind her and sunk down into a cushion directly to the right of the door.

Her knees bent and her head in her hands, she took a shaky, wet breath. The words the doctor had said kept echoing over and over in her chaotic mind. “Keep him comfortable… only hours left… nothing more we can do.” How had she reached this point? She had fought for the last 15 months with utter and complete faith that her little boy would survive this. That he would grow up and graduate high school, go to college and probably become a doctor, like so many other survivors of this wretched disease, and someday get married and have children of his own. How could she just let go of that future? How could she let go of her hopes to see him running down the halls of his school on his first day of kindergarten in the fall or walking with his little sister in their neighborhood trick-or-treating in the Harry Potter costume he had been talking about since February? How could she give up on her little boy, her monkey, her partner in crime?

Tyler’s face was always there in her mind, his gentle, loving brown eyes, the color of honey when the sun shines through it, his perfect pink little lips, so quick to smile and to give kisses, the wrinkle of his forehead and squint of his eyebrows when he was focusing, the feel of his soft skin and small body folded perfectly into hers. Five years wasn’t enough time to cherish the gift of his existence, it wasn’t enough time to breathe in every ounce of his essence.

She knew he was suffering; they had been giving him the maximum amount of morphine they could give him, and it wasn’t helping to ease his pain. She knew she had very little time left with her little boy, and yet she also knew she couldn’t go back into that hospital room until she was ready to accept, for his sake, that he needed to stop fighting. Until she was ready to comfort him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay – even though her heart was screaming that nothing about this was okay.

She and her husband had never talked about death. It had always seemed like they would be betraying him to even think about the possibility of his death. Not that it hadn’t been in the back of both of their minds for the past year as they watched their precious, beautiful child get poked with needles and have poison shot through his veins; as they hugged him tight as he cried and tried to explain to him that the pain, and the poking, and the surgeries would help him to get better. They had lived his death over and over again in their minds, terrified, afraid, helpless, but the only thing that kept them breathing was knowing that if they fought hard enough he would get better.

But he hadn’t. He had gotten worse, and now she was struggling to find words to explain death to a child who was barely five years old. How could she explain something to him that she herself didn’t even understand? Questions kept rolling around in her mind, “What happens when a person dies? Where do they go? Is there such a thing as life after death? If a child dies is there a special place for them? Are there angels there who love and cherish them?”

She lifted her head and looked closer at the room, trying to find some answers to the infinite and unanswerable questions that were swirling around in her mind. She noticed the books on the table and went to look closer at them. There were a few different versions of the Bible, five or six other Christian prayer books, a copy of the Quran, a book that looked to be in Hebrew, a Bahá’í prayer book, and a number of books of poetry. She picked up one of the books of poetry and opened it to a random page. The poem on it was titled “I Am With You Always”, and as she read it she began to reflect on her own relationship with God and with her loved ones.

She had been raised by parents who believed in God. Their family had always said prayers every morning and evening together. They had often talked about what a moral, upright, conscious person looks and acts like and they had always worked hard to put their faith and trust in God. She and her siblings grew up with the understanding that the tests this life offers us are here to help us grow and develop into better people, and that this is our purpose in being alive. However, when Tyler got sick, she had a lot of trouble understanding why God would take a perfectly healthy innocent child and subject him to so much pain. It was so utterly unfair that he should have to go through this. How could anyone find meaning in a child’s suffering?

People would say “God doesn’t test us beyond our capacity,” but He did. He tested her beyond hers, and she broke. She had begged and pleaded with Him over and over when Tyler first got sick: to heal him, to make him healthy, to take her instead. But all she had seen was him continuing to get more and more sick and at some point, though she never stopped begging and pleading, her heart stopped believing. She stopped believing that her prayers have power and that this life has a purpose.

Sitting in that prayer room, she realized that she didn’t know what she believed anymore. She had unconsciously been blaming God for the past year for Tyler’s illness. But now faced with the death of her loving, gentle, pure-hearted child, though she was overcome with sadness and anger, she was also grateful beyond any gratitude she had ever felt. Tyler’s existence in her life had changed her into a person she never would have become otherwise. His joy, his perseverance, his forgiveness, his love and his own unquestioning faith in God were such an example to her. She realized that she would rather have had Tyler in her life for 5 short years than never to have known him at all. Tyler’s light, his kindness, his love, his smile would live on within her and her husband and his little sister and all of their friends who had met him and watched him grow. His story and his fight had created around them a family of people who were better for having known him, and not a single one of them would have given up a moment of the time they were blessed to be in his presence. His life, not his death, would be his legacy.

Sitting in the middle of the room, she knew her time was running short. She had to return to her little boy’s hospital room. She had to go back and hug him tight and give him permission to stop fighting and to fly away from the sadness and sorrow of that room. Though she knew the months and years ahead would be difficult for her, she had to believe that her little boy would be in a better place where he would no longer be in pain.

And so, for the first time in a long time she said a prayer, with faith that it would be heard and listened to. She prayed that her son would be surrounded with love and light and joy after he died; that he would be surrounded by rainbows and clouds that told stories, shooting stars and ladybugs and butterflies, and that he would give her some of these signs every now and then to show her that he was happy and safe. She prayed that he would live his last hours peacefully; that her sorrow and her family’s sorrow would not keep him from knowing the love and joy they felt for having known him. She prayed that his love would live on inside of her, and she promised that she would dedicate her life to making him proud.

I Am With You Always

You live within me

Yet fear blinds my sight

Keeps me locked in shadow

I live within you

Your heart is My home

Your deeds My greatest joy

I don't understand

The tests of this world

The sorrow we must feel

As coal becomes a diamond

You must also be honed

By tests which lead to purification

What is the purpose?

Of suffering and loss?

Of sadness and pain?

Without tests

How would you know Me?

What purpose would life have?

I fear I will die

Having wasted the time you have given me

Walking alone in anger

Fear not death

It is a messenger of joy

Drawing you to Me

And know that there has never been a moment

When you have ever walked alone

For I am with you always

Photo from Michelle Joanne Andrews website 

The Essence of Who I Am

I remember sitting on your lap as a child

There was no place safer in the whole big world

Your arms around me, held me close to your side

And my heart and soul were yours

I remember sneaking into your bed at night

When my mind would race, you'd hug me tight

I'd fall asleep in your arms, safe an secure

And my heart and soul were yours

     My soul responds to the beauty of your light

     The gentle love in your crystal blue eyes

     Your smile, your laughter, your voice in my heart

     You are the essence of who I am 

I remember Saturday mornings, sneaking out of the house

Taking in the sun, two morning birds just you and me

I treasure each and every memory

And my heart and soul are yours

I remember walking through airports, through trials

Giving each other the strength to move forward

We walk this world together, no matter the miles

And my heart and soul are yours

     My soul responds to the beauty of your light

     The gentle love in your crystal blue eyes

     Your smile, your laughter, your voice in my heart

     You are the essence of who I am

Though separated by great distances

Our hearts never stop beating as one

We will walk forever as we always have

Mom and daughter, hand in hand

     My soul responds to the beauty of your light

     The gentle love in your crystal blue eyes

     Your smile, your laughter, your voice in my heart

     You are the essence of who I am

Little One

A peace I haven't felt in years

Wafts over me as I sit here with you

All tension and worry disappears

And a quiet calm seeps through

The birds outside sing of the joys of God's grace

As in my arms you drift in gentle sleep

A smile softly flickers across your little face 

Oh my precious one, slumber deep

Dream of the world you will help to create

Of the brilliance your generation will bring to this earth

A world where love always conquers hate

And the beauty of your soul is what defines your worth

With your little hand wrapped around my finger

I yearn for our world to mature and transform

Into a place where purity and innocence linger

And trust and compassion are our culture's norm

The light you have brought, with your giggles and smiles

Has illumined our lives like the sun

Though your path may be filled with beautiful trials

You will never walk alone, my little one

A Martyr's Gift

27 years ago today, on June 10th, 1986, the day that I was born, a man named Farid Bihmardi was martyred in Iran. He was imprisoned for 22 months, 9 of which were spent in solitary confinement, he was not allowed access to his family or friends, was tortured, kept in horrible conditions and brutally murdered simply because he was a member of the Baha'i Faith and was serving at the time on a body of nine individuals charged with keeping track of the administrative affairs of the community of believers in Iran. 

His martyrdom though an immensely important event in my own life, was not a singular occurrence, since the Iranian Revolution in 1979 the Baha'is of Iran have been intensely persecuted. There are currently over 100 Baha'is imprisoned in Iran, some because they were striving to provide education to the Baha'i Youth in Iran who are being systematically kept from obtaining university degrees, some because of their efforts to be a part of the social transformation of their communities, and seven individuals for doing exactly the same thing that Farid was martyred for - for administering the social and religious affairs of the Baha'i Community in Iran. 

These seven individuals were imprisoned five years ago and two years later were sentenced to 20 years imprisonment. The longest sentence of any prisoners of conscience currently held in Iranian prisons. 

I am inspired by their strength and perseverance, and I pray with all my heart that their trials and tribulations be lifted soon. And I pray that they know that their sacrifices have not been for nothing, that their strength and courage have inspired millions of people around the world, of which I am just one. 

I wrote the following song to honor a man, whom I have never met, a man who brought joy and radiance to his fellow prisoners, who was a light and a beacon of love and Faith to all who met him. A man who has impacted my life in ways far beyond the range that my small song can express. 

A Martyr’s Gift

[verse 1]

As a baby I was taken to His shrine

On the threshold I was lain as a silent prayer

A prayer that His protection would be mine

That His guidance and love would always be there

And it has been all through my life

For you have always been with me

A calming strength in times of strife

A guide and friend endlessly

[chorus 1]

O Farid, O Farid

Your selflessness and grace

Has brought me to this place

You’ve been my light in the darkest night

My eyes when I had lost my sight

You gave me strength to do what was right

With the love you released as your soul took flight

[verse 2]

Walking down the path tonight

You take each step as I do

All that has passed and all that might

Has been and will be done for you

As your joyous soul was set free

On that radiant and blessed morn

It forever connected you and me

For that was the day that I was born

[chorus 2]

O Farid, O Farid

Your selflessness and grace

Has brought me to this place

You’ve been my light in the darkest night

My eyes when I had lost my sight

You gave me strength to do what was right

For I was born as your soul took flight

[bridge]

Taken before your time was through

For His Cause you lived and died

My life and death I give to you

O Martyr, watching from on High

[chorus 2]

Here are a few links in relation to the persecution of Baha'is in Iran and specifically in relation to Farid Bihmardi:

http://www.iranpresswatch.org/

http://www.iranhrdc.org/english/publications/reports/3149-a-faith-denied-the-persecution-of-the-baha-is-of-iran.html?p=29#.UbJXkPaY__Q

http://foadmanshadi.wordpress.com/category/bahai-human-rights-news/page/2/

Thank you to Sepher Fanaeian for playing the flute in the song.

All the pictures in the video are mine, except for the two with captions which are from the Baha'i World News Service website (http://news.bahai.org/human-rights/iran/iran-update/) and the last one (http://www.iranrights.org/english/memorial-case-15312.php).

Reflections

I feel like I've been lacking in creative inspiration

My mind and heart avoiding one another

My pen and fingers silenced by fear

Fear of what my heart and mind might say

Were they to meet

Right now I am drifting on a raft of separation

Holding my breath and trying not to make too many ripples

In the lives of others or myself

Not asking for anything, but wishing I could

Yearning to matter

I miss the comfort and sense of love that come

From living with a family

People to care for, to protect and cherish

A constant and continuous union of love and joy

Where all feel needed

Where the past and present meet is a rich sum

Of beauty and faith, light and joy

Where loss turns to growth and we continue to progress

Moving forward along a path

Known to all and yet none

Crisis and victory often shape my existence

As I walk a path unknown

Sometimes lonely and disappointed

Trying to be detached and to trust that if I put my faith in God

All will become clear eventually

Everyday I pray for Divine assistance

To let go of my sorrows and limitations

And I take comfort in the fact that as I struggle and learn

I draw closer to Him

And mature into the person He created me to be

Kindred Spirits

Sitting on your shoulders
I have never felt so tall
The world before my eyes
Knowing you'll catch me if I fall

My heart alight with joy
As we watched the world unfurl
Kindred spirits, you and I
A daddy and his little girl

You'd read to me at bedtime
Stories of beauty and of wonder
Tales of courage and purity
And a lesson in every blunder

I'd fall asleep too quickly
To catch all the words you'd share
But you'd ask me what I last remembered
And we'd always start again from there

When my mind was filled with worry
And I tossed and turned all night
When sickness kept me awake
You were my soul's comforting sight

You would chase away my fear
You, your book and the light in the hall
Every nightmare conquered
And into gentle sleep I would fall

Still to this day when my mind races
I close my eyes and can see you there
A beacon of strength in the darkness
Challenging my fears to appear if they dare

This is who you are to me
You've lifted me high as the sky
Been my protector, my warmth, my light
And taught me to love, to dream and to fly


Happy Birthday, I love you Daddy.

A Legacy of Love

Two hearts who put their faith in God
When they went to that threshold to pray
Built a legacy of love filled with joy and light
Which I honor with wonder today
Founded upon a certainty
That they were meant to be with one another
They joined hands and hearts thirty years ago this day
And later became my father and mother

A fleeting moment was their time on this mountain
Yet those precious years are the essence of our story
For their love was created and added to twice
In the shadows of His ancient and radiant Glory
Their service and sacrifice were a beacon in our lives
A foundation on which we learn and grow
And my heart overflows as I stand here today
Where our journey began thirty years ago

A Union of Two Seas

Two hearts brimming with Thy grace
Their souls aflame with Thine embrace
Guided to each other by Thy hand

Meet today at Thy command

Two families linked by their affection
Reveling in this world’s perfection
United in joy and love’s elation
In awe of the brilliance of God’s creation

Two wings of a dove soaring in the skies
A union which breaks all ego’s ties
Glorious reflections of Thy light

Beacon’s of love in the dark of night

Two bright orbs threaded into one
Radiant as a midnight sun
In servitude they promise their life
As they become husband and wife

Two seas join in eternal devotion
The pearls of their love illumine the ocean

Hearts the world over will become ignited

As with a vow of love these two souls are united

He is God!

O peerless Lord! In Thine almighty wisdom Thou hast enjoined marriage upon the peoples, that the generations of men may succeed one another in this contingent world, and that ever, so long as the world shall last, they may busy themselves at the Threshold of Thy oneness with servitude and worship, with salutation, adoration and praise. “I have not created spirits and men, but that they should worship me.”¹ Wherefore, wed Thou in the heaven of Thy mercy these two birds of the nest of Thy love, and make them the means of attracting perpetual grace; that from the union of these two seas of love a wave of tenderness may surge and cast the pearls of pure and goodly issue on the shore of life. “He hath let loose the two seas, that they meet each other: Between them is a barrier which they overpass not. Which then of the bounties of your Lord will ye deny? From each He bringeth up greater and lesser pearls.”²

O Thou kind Lord! Make Thou this marriage to bring forth coral and pearls. Thou art verily the All-Powerful, the Most Great, the Ever-Forgiving.

‘Abdu’l-Bahá

A Legacy of Sacrifice

I walk in the footsteps of those come before me
And yet I pave my own path along the way
Following their example, I learn from their triumphs
Letting their dedication illumine each day
Their legacy stamped on each page of my story
Their service measured by each wave on the bay
A fleeting moment was their time on this mountain
Yet engraved in every pebble will their sacrifices stay

Shira Bahia

I wear my name

like a favorite pair of jeans

like a cozy worn out sweatshirt

the essence of what it means

I strive with all my power

to live up to its grace

to embody its truth 

and to mirror its embrace

For I was given a name

both beautiful and strong

which tells tales and whispers melodies

Shira Bahia - a glorious poem or song

30 Days of Creativity: Day 2 - Ode to My Parents

They shared His light with me
They taught me how to pray
Their wisdom, the strength I turned to
When I knew not what to say

Their joy now shines through me
Their light guides my way
Their teaching, the foundation
On which I walk each day

Waiting for Them

Oh how I yearn

     to see their faces

     to hold their hands

     to shower them with love

     to watch them grow

     to guide their path    

     to teach and learn from them

     to share their joys

     to comfort their sorrows

     to fight off their fears

     to feel their love

     to care more deeply than I've ever known

     to love them from within my soul

I am here waiting

     for your gentle smiles

     for your joy filled laughter

     for your tiny fingers in my hand

     for your endless questions

     for your thoughtful wisdom

     for your unique and magnificent qualities

     for your unassuming wonder

     for your unconditional love

     for your unmistakable connection

     for your soul fulfilling presence

     for your world changing existence

     for your light to shine upon my life