Searching for Signs of His Will

Lost in a sea of options
No confirmations yet in sight
An uneasy anxiety overcomes me
As a lonely child in the quiet of the night

My heart seeks answers
As a plant seeks the light
Looking for signs of His will
Praying to do what is right

Vulnerability

I stare at your dead flowers
shaking in the breeze
While right beside you
your small brother flourishes
His coral flowers reach for the sun
What left you destitute my friend?
bereft of life giving beauty
What internal struggle broke your spirit
leaving you an inflexible and thorny barrier?
How can I help you to bloom again?
To believe in your worth
to show your vulnerability?
For the most vulnerable and fragile part of ourselves
is often the blossoming flower
that attracts the hearts of others

The Gift of Childhood

An Endless Sea

In front of me

An endless sea

Flows as far as the eye can see

Filled with movement, beauty and grace

Yet tears flow freely down my face

For on these rocks my feet must be

Clearing blocks so the source is free 

To flow into this glorious sea

To change its depths and every place

In front of me

I wish I could jump in this sea

And give all of my energy

To finding pearls in the darkest space

And into hearts of children place

The tools to recognize the sea

In front of me

Inside Your Heart

Inside your heart there lives a place

Of which none see a single trace

Where fear and doubt live undeterred

And joy and hope are never heard

A place where sadness sets the pace

But if this world is only space 

And light can shine upon your face

Then love must be the written word

Inside your heart

So let this love, your heart, embrace

Your fear and doubt, let it displace

For love and joy are like a bird

Their flight just waiting to be stirred

By the deep and beautiful grace

Inside your heart

When Hope Fails You

When hope fails you and you've no light

Look up into the darkened night

Find the moon and the stars that shine

That lead you in this world of vine

Where He have given to you sight

For in this world there is great light

That radiates oer every height

Trust in its grace on the incline

When hope fails you

Let your spirit and soul take flight

And in their dance your heart delight

Do not unto this world consign

Your soul to wander lost and blind

Just turn your heart to the Divine
When hope fails you

Gray People

The dust obscures my vision
Smothers my breath
Steals all my energy

It leaves me lonely and broken
Blind and silent
Hidden from the world

Zombies walk in the dust with me
Not really seeing
Not really breathing

Gray people, lost and yet
Unaware of their loss
Of their own blindness

Thinking they understand the world
And all its potentialities
Believing life is gray

I've seen glimpses of color
Breathed fresh, clean, beautiful air
Felt the sun upon my face

My heart has been stirred and awakened at times
By Your syllables and sounds
Your letters and words

But it often gets lost in the gray too
Hopeless and wandering
Catching only glimpses in its search for meaning

But there is no meaning in the gray
Just dust and dirt
Just emptiness and loneliness

Help me to not be a gray person
This is my heart's desire
My deepest wish

Badi

He carried Your proclamation with faith unyielding

A boy with the courage to face a Shah

Your message of utter truth he was wielding

And nothing could alter the vision he saw

Transformed by his time in Your glorious presence

His heart’s foundation rearranged and alight

Created anew, ablaze with Your essence

He set out on a journey to deliver Your light

                                                                       

When each of us leaves this Holy mountain

We leave transformed, as Badi left
Aflame with Your love, a billowing fountain
Carrying Your proclamation to the sorely bereft

The Darkness in Me

When someone sees the darkness in me

It is like eyes piercing into the shadows of my heart

Fear holds me silent and still 

The suspense kills me as I stand frozen

Unable to move forward or retreat

Unable to breathe

I wait for the bullet to fly

The judgement, the loss of worth, the rejection

As I stand there I am filled with anger at myself

For standing there, unable to breathe or move

For believing the implications of that bullet's existence

For seeing the darkness in them as well and in others

For not being able to fix their shattered opinion of me

For believing their opinion would be shattered in the first place

When someone sees the darkness in me

It is my own eyes that pierce into the shadows of my heart

It is my own judgement that holds me silent and still

It is my own belief that causes bullets to fly

It is my own rejection of who I am

But what would happen if I looked with forgiving eyes

If I stared into the dark murky corners of my heart

Into the dark murky corners of everyone else's hearts

And took a little bit of light into them with me

Someday would they simply disappear

If darkness is truly just the absence of light

Then the darkness in me and in others

Are simply empty, lonely areas 

Just waiting to be filled 

With light

I Am With You Always

This month is childhood cancer awareness month. I wrote this short story nearly two years ago. It was first published in a book called "Love: A Short Story Collection" (which you can buy on Amazon) but I've been wanting to share it on my blog as well and felt like this is clearly the appropriate month to do so. 

I Am With You Always

She wandered down the halls of the hospital in search of an escape, some door she could open that would change her present reality. A door that would take her to the life that was supposed to be, the life every parent envisions when their child is born: perfect, healthy and beautiful.

She couldn't breathe, her lungs screaming that this couldn't be real. Like an animal being hunted, all she knew was that she had to get away, to find some quiet place away from sympathetic and careful expressions. Her family and friends didn't know what to say, they ached for her, their pain written on their faces, but at the moment those faces made her want to scream in frustration and outrage at the injustice of it all. She knew in her heart that all they wanted was to help, to take even an ounce of her anguish away, but how could they? Nothing could fix this.

She read every sign on the walls, searching for something, anything, to offer her even a moment of solace. Her eyes honed in on the words ‘prayer room’ printed on a door she’d never noticed before. No one would think to look for her there. With a twinge of fear she opened the door.

Inside was a small room, blissfully empty and quiet, with a smattering of chairs and cushions around the walls and a table in the middle covered in books of various shapes, colors and sizes. The walls were painted a gentle blue, and there were a few shaded lamps that lit the room; a relief after the industrialized lighting in the hallways. She closed the door behind her and sunk down into a cushion directly to the right of the door.

Her knees bent and her head in her hands, she took a shaky, wet breath. The words the doctor had said kept echoing over and over in her chaotic mind. “Keep him comfortable… only hours left… nothing more we can do.” How had she reached this point? She had fought for the last 15 months with utter and complete faith that her little boy would survive this. That he would grow up and graduate high school, go to college and probably become a doctor, like so many other survivors of this wretched disease, and someday get married and have children of his own. How could she just let go of that future? How could she let go of her hopes to see him running down the halls of his school on his first day of kindergarten in the fall or walking with his little sister in their neighborhood trick-or-treating in the Harry Potter costume he had been talking about since February? How could she give up on her little boy, her monkey, her partner in crime?

Tyler’s face was always there in her mind, his gentle, loving brown eyes, the color of honey when the sun shines through it, his perfect pink little lips, so quick to smile and to give kisses, the wrinkle of his forehead and squint of his eyebrows when he was focusing, the feel of his soft skin and small body folded perfectly into hers. Five years wasn’t enough time to cherish the gift of his existence, it wasn’t enough time to breathe in every ounce of his essence.

She knew he was suffering; they had been giving him the maximum amount of morphine they could give him, and it wasn’t helping to ease his pain. She knew she had very little time left with her little boy, and yet she also knew she couldn’t go back into that hospital room until she was ready to accept, for his sake, that he needed to stop fighting. Until she was ready to comfort him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay – even though her heart was screaming that nothing about this was okay.

She and her husband had never talked about death. It had always seemed like they would be betraying him to even think about the possibility of his death. Not that it hadn’t been in the back of both of their minds for the past year as they watched their precious, beautiful child get poked with needles and have poison shot through his veins; as they hugged him tight as he cried and tried to explain to him that the pain, and the poking, and the surgeries would help him to get better. They had lived his death over and over again in their minds, terrified, afraid, helpless, but the only thing that kept them breathing was knowing that if they fought hard enough he would get better.

But he hadn’t. He had gotten worse, and now she was struggling to find words to explain death to a child who was barely five years old. How could she explain something to him that she herself didn’t even understand? Questions kept rolling around in her mind, “What happens when a person dies? Where do they go? Is there such a thing as life after death? If a child dies is there a special place for them? Are there angels there who love and cherish them?”

She lifted her head and looked closer at the room, trying to find some answers to the infinite and unanswerable questions that were swirling around in her mind. She noticed the books on the table and went to look closer at them. There were a few different versions of the Bible, five or six other Christian prayer books, a copy of the Quran, a book that looked to be in Hebrew, a Bahá’í prayer book, and a number of books of poetry. She picked up one of the books of poetry and opened it to a random page. The poem on it was titled “I Am With You Always”, and as she read it she began to reflect on her own relationship with God and with her loved ones.

She had been raised by parents who believed in God. Their family had always said prayers every morning and evening together. They had often talked about what a moral, upright, conscious person looks and acts like and they had always worked hard to put their faith and trust in God. She and her siblings grew up with the understanding that the tests this life offers us are here to help us grow and develop into better people, and that this is our purpose in being alive. However, when Tyler got sick, she had a lot of trouble understanding why God would take a perfectly healthy innocent child and subject him to so much pain. It was so utterly unfair that he should have to go through this. How could anyone find meaning in a child’s suffering?

People would say “God doesn’t test us beyond our capacity,” but He did. He tested her beyond hers, and she broke. She had begged and pleaded with Him over and over when Tyler first got sick: to heal him, to make him healthy, to take her instead. But all she had seen was him continuing to get more and more sick and at some point, though she never stopped begging and pleading, her heart stopped believing. She stopped believing that her prayers have power and that this life has a purpose.

Sitting in that prayer room, she realized that she didn’t know what she believed anymore. She had unconsciously been blaming God for the past year for Tyler’s illness. But now faced with the death of her loving, gentle, pure-hearted child, though she was overcome with sadness and anger, she was also grateful beyond any gratitude she had ever felt. Tyler’s existence in her life had changed her into a person she never would have become otherwise. His joy, his perseverance, his forgiveness, his love and his own unquestioning faith in God were such an example to her. She realized that she would rather have had Tyler in her life for 5 short years than never to have known him at all. Tyler’s light, his kindness, his love, his smile would live on within her and her husband and his little sister and all of their friends who had met him and watched him grow. His story and his fight had created around them a family of people who were better for having known him, and not a single one of them would have given up a moment of the time they were blessed to be in his presence. His life, not his death, would be his legacy.

Sitting in the middle of the room, she knew her time was running short. She had to return to her little boy’s hospital room. She had to go back and hug him tight and give him permission to stop fighting and to fly away from the sadness and sorrow of that room. Though she knew the months and years ahead would be difficult for her, she had to believe that her little boy would be in a better place where he would no longer be in pain.

And so, for the first time in a long time she said a prayer, with faith that it would be heard and listened to. She prayed that her son would be surrounded with love and light and joy after he died; that he would be surrounded by rainbows and clouds that told stories, shooting stars and ladybugs and butterflies, and that he would give her some of these signs every now and then to show her that he was happy and safe. She prayed that he would live his last hours peacefully; that her sorrow and her family’s sorrow would not keep him from knowing the love and joy they felt for having known him. She prayed that his love would live on inside of her, and she promised that she would dedicate her life to making him proud.

I Am With You Always

You live within me

Yet fear blinds my sight

Keeps me locked in shadow

I live within you

Your heart is My home

Your deeds My greatest joy

I don't understand

The tests of this world

The sorrow we must feel

As coal becomes a diamond

You must also be honed

By tests which lead to purification

What is the purpose?

Of suffering and loss?

Of sadness and pain?

Without tests

How would you know Me?

What purpose would life have?

I fear I will die

Having wasted the time you have given me

Walking alone in anger

Fear not death

It is a messenger of joy

Drawing you to Me

And know that there has never been a moment

When you have ever walked alone

For I am with you always

Photo from Michelle Joanne Andrews website 

My Cage, My Wings

And one more... This one seemed to deserve it's own post.... I wrote this in Sep-2014. I was thinking about what the hardest memory/time period is for me to re-live, which was my from my Senior year in High School to my Sophmore year in college (between 2004 and 2006), and the moment that for me epitomizes that time period. I wanted to be able to move past it, so I wrote it into a poem. It totally helped... Sorry, it's pretty dark...

My Cage, My Wings

Lost in empty hollowness

Bite marks on my arms

Alone in the darkness

Of my own confusion and pain

I stared at my wrists

Wondering what it would be like

To break the skin, to bleed.

I wondered

Would anyone care

If my body finally mirrored

What I felt was happening

In my heart

I took out a pair of scissors

And lightly drew them across my skin

Putting pressure, but not enough

Knowing I would never do it

Feeling guilty even thinking of it

Wishing for five minutes

I could simply shut out my conscience

In the darkest moment of my life

My conscience was my cage

There was no escape

I wasn't alive in this world

But I couldn't leave it either

It was unquestionable

It killed me with shame

And guilt and sorrow

Broken and shattered

I  died over and over again

Abusing and bruising my body

Out of frustration and hatred

Knowing it would never let me give up

Yet I look back and am grateful

For that cage

For the shackles and imprisonment

For my conscience,

My connection with God

For though in that moment

It was my cage

In actuality

It was my wings

Previously unposted poems

I keep telling myself that I haven’t written much in the last few years, but it’s not true. I just haven’t written much that I felt was uplifting enough or polished enough to post on my blog. But maybe my blog isn’t just here for uplifting/polished poetry. Maybe it is a reflection of what is going on in my heart and thus, everything has a place. So here are some other poems I wrote in the last couple years, which perhaps aren't my norm, but are still my truth:

Inner Voice (12-Mar-2014)

I was drowning, worried & confused

Unsure whether the path I was on

Was leading me to You

In confusion I turned to my heart

And asked “What do you want?

What do you feel?”

And in a quiet voice I heard these words:

“Do you trust Me?”

Oh it brought me to tears

I thought I knew the answer

And had known it all these years

Searching for Confirmation (24-May-2014)

Searching for the echoes of Your confirmation

I hold my breath and wait

Listening for every nuance, looking for any movement

Begging to be guided to my fate

Manifesting my hearts inner yearning

Tears flow from my questing eyes

Their efforts thus far unrewarded

For even the wind seems to have silenced its cries

I beg You to guide me, to lighten my heart

To help me to see what I cannot find

Your gentle and nurturing encouragement and love

Leading me to grow into the girl You designed

Questions (09-Aug-2014)

How do I know?

When to move or when to wait?

When to be patient or to step into my fate?

What do You wish for me right now?

If my life is a boat, are You at the prow?

What does it mean to trust in You?

Do I wait and trust You will guide me when the time is right?

Or do I need to move for You to lead me into the light?

How can I make my movement and stillness wholly directed by Thee?

Please Baha’u’llah, will You show me?

Flight(08-Nov-2014)

There is wisdom and purpose in everything that happens

Feel My support lifting you higher

If you keep your wings open and spread

I will guide you, My little flyer

A reflection and a prayer (10-Jan-2015)

The rain is pouring outside

As I sit here prayerfully writing

Yearning to put into words

The stream of emotions my heart is reciting

The awe I feel within my heart

For the woman sitting beside me

The yearning in my soul

To let the light of Your love guide me

With all my heart I pray

For spiritual transformation

To live the life You wish for me

And fulfil my purpose with grace and determination

The Fruit of Your Love (31-Jan-2015)

The birds partake of the fruits of Your love

As it pours forth from Your Holy essence

They come to receive sustenance

And fly away newly strengthened

But some continue to stay

Unable to leave the nest of Your mercy

Filling their bodies by Your generosity

Returning again and again to this hallowed spot

Praying that the fruit of Your love

Will sustain and strengthen them

When eventually they fly off

To bring the seeds You have placed inside them

To a dying world.

For Victor (12-Feb-2015)

To break free from this prison

This world  that we live in

No longer struggling to fight

To draw closer to His light

Surrounded by love and grace

Truly serving His glorious face

May our prayers lift you even higher

Our love surround you in this transition

Untitled (27-Apr-2015)

Sheltered under the branches of Your grace

I watch and I wait

I yearn to step beyond the shade

To give rather than take

I am sheltered and protected from the world

But how can I give

When everything I want to give

Is not really needed here?

I wish this wasn't my wish.

I don’t know if I'm truly ready

To leave behind these paths of stone

The red geraniums, the olive trees

Is anyone ever ready to say good-bye?

To the rose fragrance wafting from those sacred thresholds?

I yearn to breathe again

To feel, to see

Maybe these aren't things I will find by leaving

Maybe I must find them within me.

But where? How?

Something to Ponder (28-Apr-2015)

A mountain, solid and strong

stands firm in my memories.

A reminder of a world, a foundation,

which I left behind a long time ago.

I stand on a different mountain now,

also solid and strong.

Far less majestic in stature

And yet, a spiritual centre

in a world filled with darkness.

But for some reason,

my heart is hollow.

Often completely blind

to the gifts that surround it.

Have I attached it to the wrong world?

To the material rather than the spiritual?

Something to ponder.

The Battle

We fight
My ego and I
A bitter battle of will
Unending and unyielding
Both determined to find weakness in the opponent's defence
Both searching for any sign of fatigue
But my ego never tires
It never sleeps
While at times my walls grow thin
My resolve wavers
My light dims

Just a little

But in these moments
As in every moment
You are always there
When I start to slip
You remind me of the gift that the battle holds
The glorious mysterious treasure
That becomes more and more clear
With each confrontation

For with every collision
That my ego and I have
My heart is purified and cleansed
And through this process
I am able to see more clearly
To understand more deeply
To love more sincerely
And to shine Your light more truly
To a world that is desperate
To gaze upon your beauty

My Heart's Desire

Grant that I may serve You as a mother
That I may serve You as a wife
That I may serve You in every aspect of my life

"With this prayer doth Thy servant call Thee, at dawntide and in the night-season.  Fulfill his heart's desire, O Lord!  Illumine his heart, gladden his bosom, kindle his light, that he may serve Thy Cause and Thy servants." -'Abdu'l-Baha

How do I?

How do I sacrifice more deeply?
How do I love more completely?
How do I align my life more with Your will?
How do I ensure my cup, I eventually fill?
How do I draw closer to You with each passing day,
And learn to see colors in what is only grey?
How do I feel Your gentle breeze,
And recognize the confirmations I receive?
How do I see in each test sweet gifts,
And ensure my heart never drifts?
How do I pray with greater ferver,
And live life as more than just an observer?
How do I know I am who You wish me to be?
How do I become a bird, flying high and free?

A Promise

Come into My arms, that I may fill thy heart with My love
Come into My arms, that I may keep you safe from harm
Come into My arms, that you may taste the sweetness of reunion with Me
Come into My arms, that you may see the truth of My gifts to thee
Come into My arms, that you may know the glory I wish for thee
Come into My arms, and I will comfort thee
Have faith, My love
Believe in Me, and you will feel all that is already yours

Sacrifice

As a seed is sacrificed so new life can grow

So too do I yearn for sacrifice

To give up this vulnerable, small form

For the growth of a new and beautiful reality 

To cast aside all attachment 

And in so doing rend asunder the veils blurring my sight

Make me as dust in the pathway of Thy loved ones

That I may forget myself completely

Waft to me the sweet fragrance of true vision

And grant that I may die to the world and live only for You

This is my heart's desire

Veils

Sometimes I feel confined

Lost and blind

To the purpose of my service

Wandering in darkness

Unable to harness

The glory and gift of this experience

Sorrow consumes me

That I cannot serve Thee

In the way I would like to

And for a time, I am lost to You

As I struggle to break through

The veils I cannot see

Resplendent

A pearl

Its surface reflecting the glory

Of it's untold story

Imperfect, yet glorious

By its very nature victorious

Shines resplendent within you

Within me

Every experience

Adding a layer to our being

A boundless ocean freeing

Us from the dust that gave us this form

From the ego's storm

Drawing us further from ourselves

Towards God

I choose this form

To shape my inner self

A manifestation of the wealth

You placed within my heart

Your glorious art

I must polish the mirror of my soul

And let Your light shine through it

Resplendent

He is the All-Glorious!

He is the All-Glorious!

And I am but a drop
A tiny seed who's potential has not even begun to sprout
A lamp so shrouded, it's light barely shines
A mirror so dusty, it barely reflects the sun's rays

He is the All-Glorious!

The ocean of His Words is my sustenance
The soil of His Love my comfort and succour
The light of His Will my inner guide and compass
The warmth of His Manifestation my life force

He is the All-Glorious!

To Be Alive

Empty parchment, dusty strings
Lost in the quiet that summer brings

The pressured air, the exhausting heat
I barely feel my heart beat

I miss the winter's grace, her music fair
Singing life into me with her crisp clear air

A whispered wish, softly flows to the shore
To greet this moment and feel alive once more

The Struggle to Fly

I'm edgy, rough, shaky
Confused by the feeling
Judging myself for breathing
For speaking, for thinking

I feel myself sinking
Back down to the material world
My wings sullied by forces of destruction
Pulling from within me

Screaming to be set free
I fight to stay still
Few inches gained, but also
Few inches lost against my will

I will never stop fighting
But will I ever make strides
I beg to draw closer
To where Your essence resides
I am fighting the darkness
Your distant light my only guide

My Promise

I will take your hand and walk with you
Through this world of anguish and sorrow
I will lead you to a place you cannot picture
Though you dream about tomorrow

Though I know I've failed you many times
I will not fail you now
You will never again feel alone and abandoned
We will learn together somehow

I will be here with you through your hurt and sadness
Guide you when you've lost your way
Comfort you through your fear and doubt
And help you to bask in the light of each day

We will grow and learn hand in hand
Two pieces of one soul
Until someday this fragmentation is healed
And we again become one whole

Forever

Today, 03 June 2014, will be 5 years I have been blessed to serve here in Haifa, Israel. I wrote this song in March of 2010 after I had been here about 9 months and it is as true now as it was then.

Adele Dodds is playing the piano.



I wanted to pick one photo for each year to share with you.... But that was impossible.... Here's the best I could do :)

Five years in Haifa:

August 2009 - Shrine of Baha'u'llah

December 2009 - The Negev

March 2010 - The Seat of the Universal House of Justice

June 2010 - Ben Gurion Avenue (photo taken by Adib Roy)

June 2010 - Baha'u'llah's Prison Cell Window in Akka

June 2010 - Paths of Stone

December 2010 - Sunset on a Haifa beach during the Carmel Forest Fires

April 2011 - Bahji Visitor's Centre through the flowers

June 2011 - Monument of Bahiyyih Khanum

June 2011 - Pilgrimage

January 2012 - Staff Entrance to the Seat of the Universal House of Justice
I had the amazing bounty of serving in this building for over 4 years. 

May 2012 - Flowers on the Hillel Stairs
(I lived on these stairs for 4 years) 

June 2012 - Mazra'ih 

July 2012 - Archives Building and the Shrine of the Bab

November 2012 - A bird cloud and Haifa Bay

March 2013 - The Shrine of the Bab from a view point behind the Seat

May 2013 - The Shrine of Baha'u'llah on Ascension night

October 2013 - Bahji at sunset

March 2014 - The Shrine of the Bab

May 2014 - House of Abdu'llah Pasha in Akka

May 2014 - Bahji

May 2014 - Bahji