She had often before
inhaled defensiveness and anger, not her own, but rather composed of her loved
one's guilt. Unsuspecting she had shared her own confusion and pain, and been
met with a rain of fire and shame. Unsure
how to respond, she breathed out silent
emptiness, and held within her their rage, shame, guilt, pain; along
with her own shattered trust.
Then, again, she
breathed in anguish, hurt, confusion and
loss, but this time the pain went deeper. She was older, she understood more
and yet didn't understand at all. She couldn't comprehend the injustice of
being blamed for feeling grief, her distraught heart unable to find relief. So
she breathed in a good-bye she never wished to say. A good-bye she thought was forever, to everything she had ever
treasured, to her joy and her pleasure. But even in her good-bye, she wasn't
allowed to cry. So she breathed out silent defeat and held within her, emptiness, loss and turmoil, along with her loved one's anger, hurt, shame & guilt.
But as she grew
older, this pain built. Suffocating her will, bleeding away her energy, her
light. She lost sight of the ground, no solid foundation to be found. During
these years she breathed in loneliness, fear and hopelessness. She had no air
to help her speak, for she had long ago stopped breathing deep of the life she
was given to live. She held her breath in tortured silence, believing herself
to be utterly alone, but also believing she was incapable of finding her truth
on her own.
As life continued to
move forward, her past haunted her. It taunted her to fight for
responsibilities she had never wanted. For years she carried the weight of
these responsibilities still living in her silent past, harassed by the belief
that emotions were not meant to be shown and life's hardships were hers to
carry, forever alone. She held her breath and prayed to bear and endure on her
own.
But eventually she
could hold her breath no longer and she slowly began to look at the weight it
had been her fate to carry. With the help of those same loved ones, having reflected on their choices and found their own voices, she looked inside no longer tied to the fear and judgement which had been her life's internal guide. Their support and encouragement, her air, she offered up a silent prayer, and took a deep breath. She breathed in love and gratitude for all she had
gained, strength she hadn't known she contained, and a willingness to change. And
she found that she could. With each breath she began to heal, breathing in all
that was real, the world and its joys, its sweetness, its light, and she
exhaled the loss, the sadness, the fright, and said good-bye to the night; to
the storehouse of grief that had unconsciously been her plight for most of her
life.
