My Cage, My Wings

And one more... This one seemed to deserve it's own post.... I wrote this in Sep-2014. I was thinking about what the hardest memory/time period is for me to re-live, which was my from my Senior year in High School to my Sophmore year in college (between 2004 and 2006), and the moment that for me epitomizes that time period. I wanted to be able to move past it, so I wrote it into a poem. It totally helped... Sorry, it's pretty dark...

My Cage, My Wings

Lost in empty hollowness

Bite marks on my arms

Alone in the darkness

Of my own confusion and pain

I stared at my wrists

Wondering what it would be like

To break the skin, to bleed.

I wondered

Would anyone care

If my body finally mirrored

What I felt was happening

In my heart

I took out a pair of scissors

And lightly drew them across my skin

Putting pressure, but not enough

Knowing I would never do it

Feeling guilty even thinking of it

Wishing for five minutes

I could simply shut out my conscience

In the darkest moment of my life

My conscience was my cage

There was no escape

I wasn't alive in this world

But I couldn't leave it either

It was unquestionable

It killed me with shame

And guilt and sorrow

Broken and shattered

I  died over and over again

Abusing and bruising my body

Out of frustration and hatred

Knowing it would never let me give up

Yet I look back and am grateful

For that cage

For the shackles and imprisonment

For my conscience,

My connection with God

For though in that moment

It was my cage

In actuality

It was my wings

Previously unposted poems

I keep telling myself that I haven’t written much in the last few years, but it’s not true. I just haven’t written much that I felt was uplifting enough or polished enough to post on my blog. But maybe my blog isn’t just here for uplifting/polished poetry. Maybe it is a reflection of what is going on in my heart and thus, everything has a place. So here are some other poems I wrote in the last couple years, which perhaps aren't my norm, but are still my truth:

Inner Voice (12-Mar-2014)

I was drowning, worried & confused

Unsure whether the path I was on

Was leading me to You

In confusion I turned to my heart

And asked “What do you want?

What do you feel?”

And in a quiet voice I heard these words:

“Do you trust Me?”

Oh it brought me to tears

I thought I knew the answer

And had known it all these years

Searching for Confirmation (24-May-2014)

Searching for the echoes of Your confirmation

I hold my breath and wait

Listening for every nuance, looking for any movement

Begging to be guided to my fate

Manifesting my hearts inner yearning

Tears flow from my questing eyes

Their efforts thus far unrewarded

For even the wind seems to have silenced its cries

I beg You to guide me, to lighten my heart

To help me to see what I cannot find

Your gentle and nurturing encouragement and love

Leading me to grow into the girl You designed

Questions (09-Aug-2014)

How do I know?

When to move or when to wait?

When to be patient or to step into my fate?

What do You wish for me right now?

If my life is a boat, are You at the prow?

What does it mean to trust in You?

Do I wait and trust You will guide me when the time is right?

Or do I need to move for You to lead me into the light?

How can I make my movement and stillness wholly directed by Thee?

Please Baha’u’llah, will You show me?

Flight(08-Nov-2014)

There is wisdom and purpose in everything that happens

Feel My support lifting you higher

If you keep your wings open and spread

I will guide you, My little flyer

A reflection and a prayer (10-Jan-2015)

The rain is pouring outside

As I sit here prayerfully writing

Yearning to put into words

The stream of emotions my heart is reciting

The awe I feel within my heart

For the woman sitting beside me

The yearning in my soul

To let the light of Your love guide me

With all my heart I pray

For spiritual transformation

To live the life You wish for me

And fulfil my purpose with grace and determination

The Fruit of Your Love (31-Jan-2015)

The birds partake of the fruits of Your love

As it pours forth from Your Holy essence

They come to receive sustenance

And fly away newly strengthened

But some continue to stay

Unable to leave the nest of Your mercy

Filling their bodies by Your generosity

Returning again and again to this hallowed spot

Praying that the fruit of Your love

Will sustain and strengthen them

When eventually they fly off

To bring the seeds You have placed inside them

To a dying world.

For Victor (12-Feb-2015)

To break free from this prison

This world  that we live in

No longer struggling to fight

To draw closer to His light

Surrounded by love and grace

Truly serving His glorious face

May our prayers lift you even higher

Our love surround you in this transition

Untitled (27-Apr-2015)

Sheltered under the branches of Your grace

I watch and I wait

I yearn to step beyond the shade

To give rather than take

I am sheltered and protected from the world

But how can I give

When everything I want to give

Is not really needed here?

I wish this wasn't my wish.

I don’t know if I'm truly ready

To leave behind these paths of stone

The red geraniums, the olive trees

Is anyone ever ready to say good-bye?

To the rose fragrance wafting from those sacred thresholds?

I yearn to breathe again

To feel, to see

Maybe these aren't things I will find by leaving

Maybe I must find them within me.

But where? How?

Something to Ponder (28-Apr-2015)

A mountain, solid and strong

stands firm in my memories.

A reminder of a world, a foundation,

which I left behind a long time ago.

I stand on a different mountain now,

also solid and strong.

Far less majestic in stature

And yet, a spiritual centre

in a world filled with darkness.

But for some reason,

my heart is hollow.

Often completely blind

to the gifts that surround it.

Have I attached it to the wrong world?

To the material rather than the spiritual?

Something to ponder.