Monday, October 21, 2013

A Storehouse of Grief

She had often before inhaled defensiveness and anger, not her own, but rather composed of her loved one's guilt. Unsuspecting she had shared her own confusion and pain, and been met with a rain of fire and shame.  Unsure how to respond, she breathed out silent  emptiness, and held within her their rage, shame, guilt, pain; along with her own shattered trust.

Then, again, she breathed in anguish, hurt, confusion  and loss, but this time the pain went deeper. She was older, she understood more and yet didn't understand at all. She couldn't comprehend the injustice of being blamed for feeling grief, her distraught heart unable to find relief. So she breathed in a good-bye she never wished to say. A good-bye she thought  was forever, to everything she had ever treasured, to her joy and her pleasure. But even in her good-bye, she wasn't allowed to cry. So she breathed out silent defeat and held within her, emptiness, loss and turmoil, along with her loved one's anger, hurt, shame & guilt

But as she grew older, this pain built. Suffocating her will, bleeding away her energy, her light. She lost sight of the ground, no solid foundation to be found. During these years she breathed in loneliness, fear and hopelessness. She had no air to help her speak, for she had long ago stopped breathing deep of the life she was given to live. She held her breath in tortured silence, believing herself to be utterly alone, but also believing she was incapable of finding her truth on her own.

As life continued to move forward, her past haunted her. It taunted her to fight for responsibilities she had never wanted. For years she carried the weight of these responsibilities still living in her silent past, harassed by the belief that emotions were not meant to be shown and life's hardships were hers to carry, forever alone. She held her breath and prayed to bear and endure on her own.

But eventually she could hold her breath no longer and she slowly began to look at the weight it had been her fate to carry. With the help of those same loved ones, having reflected on their choices and found their own voices, she looked inside no longer tied to the fear and judgement which had been her life's internal guide. Their support and encouragement, her air, she offered up a silent prayer, and took a deep breath. She breathed in love and gratitude for all she had gained, strength she hadn't known she contained, and a willingness to change. And she found that she could. With each breath she began to heal, breathing in all that was real, the world and its joys, its sweetness, its light, and she exhaled the loss, the sadness, the fright, and said good-bye to the night; to the storehouse of grief that had unconsciously been her plight for most of her life.