Sunday, December 20, 2015

Inside Your Heart

Inside your heart there lives a place
Of which none see a single trace
Where fear and doubt live undeterred
And joy and hope are never heard
A place where sadness sets the pace

But if this world is only space 
And light can shine upon your face
Then love must be the written word
Inside your heart

So let this love, your heart, embrace
Your fear and doubt, let it displace
For love and joy are like a bird
Their flight just waiting to be stirred
By the deep and beautiful grace
Inside your heart


When Hope Fails You

When hope fails you and you've no light
Look up into the darkened night
Find the moon and the stars that shine
That lead you in this world of vine
Where He have given to you sight

For in this world there is great light
That radiates oer every height
Trust in its grace on the incline
When hope fails you

Let your spirit and soul take flight
And in their dance your heart delight
Do not unto this world consign
Your soul to wander lost and blind
Just turn your heart to the Divine
When hope fails you


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Gray People

The dust obscures my vision
Smothers my breath
Steals all my energy

It leaves me lonely and broken
Blind and silent
Hidden from the world

Zombies walk in the dust with me
Not really seeing
Not really breathing

Gray people, lost and yet
Unaware of their loss
Of their own blindness

Thinking they understand the world
And all its potentialities
Believing life is gray

I've seen glimpses of color
Breathed fresh, clean, beautiful air
Felt the sun upon my face

My heart has been stirred and awakened at times
By Your syllables and sounds
Your letters and words

But it often gets lost in the gray too
Hopeless and wandering
Catching only glimpses in its search for meaning

But there is no meaning in the gray
Just dust and dirt
Just emptiness and loneliness

Help me to not be a gray person
This is my heart's desire
My deepest wish



Badi


He carried Your proclamation with faith unyielding
A boy with the courage to face a Shah
Your message of utter truth he was wielding
And nothing could alter the vision he saw

Transformed by his time in Your glorious presence
His heart’s foundation rearranged and alight
Created anew, ablaze with Your essence
He set out on a journey to deliver Your light
                                                                       
When each of us leaves this Holy mountain
We leave transformed, as Badi left
Aflame with Your love, a billowing fountain
Carrying Your proclamation to the sorely bereft

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The Darkness in Me

When someone sees the darkness in me
It is like eyes piercing into the shadows of my heart
Fear holds me silent and still 
The suspense kills me as I stand frozen
Unable to move forward or retreat
Unable to breathe
I wait for the bullet to fly
The judgement, the loss of worth, the rejection

As I stand there I am filled with anger at myself
For standing there, unable to breathe or move
For believing the implications of that bullet's existence
For seeing the darkness in them as well and in others
For not being able to fix their shattered opinion of me
For believing their opinion would be shattered in the first place

When someone sees the darkness in me
It is my own eyes that pierce into the shadows of my heart
It is my own judgement that holds me silent and still
It is my own belief that causes bullets to fly
It is my own rejection of who I am

But what would happen if I looked with forgiving eyes
If I stared into the dark murky corners of my heart
Into the dark murky corners of everyone else's hearts
And took a little bit of light into them with me
Someday would they simply disappear
If darkness is truly just the absence of light
Then the darkness in me and in others
Are simply empty, lonely areas 
Just waiting to be filled 
With light


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I Am With You Always

This month is childhood cancer awareness month. I wrote this short story nearly two years ago. It was first published in a book called "Love: A Short Story Collection" (which you can buy on Amazon) but I've been wanting to share it on my blog as well and felt like this is clearly the appropriate month to do so. 

I Am With You Always

She wandered down the halls of the hospital in search of an escape, some door she could open that would change her present reality. A door that would take her to the life that was supposed to be, the life every parent envisions when their child is born: perfect, healthy and beautiful.
She couldn't breathe, her lungs screaming that this couldn't be real. Like an animal being hunted, all she knew was that she had to get away, to find some quiet place away from sympathetic and careful expressions. Her family and friends didn't know what to say, they ached for her, their pain written on their faces, but at the moment those faces made her want to scream in frustration and outrage at the injustice of it all. She knew in her heart that all they wanted was to help, to take even an ounce of her anguish away, but how could they? Nothing could fix this.
She read every sign on the walls, searching for something, anything, to offer her even a moment of solace. Her eyes honed in on the words ‘prayer room’ printed on a door she’d never noticed before. No one would think to look for her there. With a twinge of fear she opened the door.
Inside was a small room, blissfully empty and quiet, with a smattering of chairs and cushions around the walls and a table in the middle covered in books of various shapes, colors and sizes. The walls were painted a gentle blue, and there were a few shaded lamps that lit the room; a relief after the industrialized lighting in the hallways. She closed the door behind her and sunk down into a cushion directly to the right of the door.
Her knees bent and her head in her hands, she took a shaky, wet breath. The words the doctor had said kept echoing over and over in her chaotic mind. “Keep him comfortable… only hours left… nothing more we can do.” How had she reached this point? She had fought for the last 15 months with utter and complete faith that her little boy would survive this. That he would grow up and graduate high school, go to college and probably become a doctor, like so many other survivors of this wretched disease, and someday get married and have children of his own. How could she just let go of that future? How could she let go of her hopes to see him running down the halls of his school on his first day of kindergarten in the fall or walking with his little sister in their neighborhood trick-or-treating in the Harry Potter costume he had been talking about since February? How could she give up on her little boy, her monkey, her partner in crime?
Tyler’s face was always there in her mind, his gentle, loving brown eyes, the color of honey when the sun shines through it, his perfect pink little lips, so quick to smile and to give kisses, the wrinkle of his forehead and squint of his eyebrows when he was focusing, the feel of his soft skin and small body folded perfectly into hers. Five years wasn’t enough time to cherish the gift of his existence, it wasn’t enough time to breathe in every ounce of his essence.
She knew he was suffering; they had been giving him the maximum amount of morphine they could give him, and it wasn’t helping to ease his pain. She knew she had very little time left with her little boy, and yet she also knew she couldn’t go back into that hospital room until she was ready to accept, for his sake, that he needed to stop fighting. Until she was ready to comfort him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay – even though her heart was screaming that nothing about this was okay.
She and her husband had never talked about death. It had always seemed like they would be betraying him to even think about the possibility of his death. Not that it hadn’t been in the back of both of their minds for the past year as they watched their precious, beautiful child get poked with needles and have poison shot through his veins; as they hugged him tight as he cried and tried to explain to him that the pain, and the poking, and the surgeries would help him to get better. They had lived his death over and over again in their minds, terrified, afraid, helpless, but the only thing that kept them breathing was knowing that if they fought hard enough he would get better.
But he hadn’t. He had gotten worse, and now she was struggling to find words to explain death to a child who was barely five years old. How could she explain something to him that she herself didn’t even understand? Questions kept rolling around in her mind, “What happens when a person dies? Where do they go? Is there such a thing as life after death? If a child dies is there a special place for them? Are there angels there who love and cherish them?”
She lifted her head and looked closer at the room, trying to find some answers to the infinite and unanswerable questions that were swirling around in her mind. She noticed the books on the table and went to look closer at them. There were a few different versions of the Bible, five or six other Christian prayer books, a copy of the Quran, a book that looked to be in Hebrew, a Bahá’í prayer book, and a number of books of poetry. She picked up one of the books of poetry and opened it to a random page. The poem on it was titled “I Am With You Always”, and as she read it she began to reflect on her own relationship with God and with her loved ones.
She had been raised by parents who believed in God. Their family had always said prayers every morning and evening together. They had often talked about what a moral, upright, conscious person looks and acts like and they had always worked hard to put their faith and trust in God. She and her siblings grew up with the understanding that the tests this life offers us are here to help us grow and develop into better people, and that this is our purpose in being alive. However, when Tyler got sick, she had a lot of trouble understanding why God would take a perfectly healthy innocent child and subject him to so much pain. It was so utterly unfair that he should have to go through this. How could anyone find meaning in a child’s suffering?
People would say “God doesn’t test us beyond our capacity,” but He did. He tested her beyond hers, and she broke. She had begged and pleaded with Him over and over when Tyler first got sick: to heal him, to make him healthy, to take her instead. But all she had seen was him continuing to get more and more sick and at some point, though she never stopped begging and pleading, her heart stopped believing. She stopped believing that her prayers have power and that this life has a purpose.
Sitting in that prayer room, she realized that she didn’t know what she believed anymore. She had unconsciously been blaming God for the past year for Tyler’s illness. But now faced with the death of her loving, gentle, pure-hearted child, though she was overcome with sadness and anger, she was also grateful beyond any gratitude she had ever felt. Tyler’s existence in her life had changed her into a person she never would have become otherwise. His joy, his perseverance, his forgiveness, his love and his own unquestioning faith in God were such an example to her. She realized that she would rather have had Tyler in her life for 5 short years than never to have known him at all. Tyler’s light, his kindness, his love, his smile would live on within her and her husband and his little sister and all of their friends who had met him and watched him grow. His story and his fight had created around them a family of people who were better for having known him, and not a single one of them would have given up a moment of the time they were blessed to be in his presence. His life, not his death, would be his legacy.
Sitting in the middle of the room, she knew her time was running short. She had to return to her little boy’s hospital room. She had to go back and hug him tight and give him permission to stop fighting and to fly away from the sadness and sorrow of that room. Though she knew the months and years ahead would be difficult for her, she had to believe that her little boy would be in a better place where he would no longer be in pain.
And so, for the first time in a long time she said a prayer, with faith that it would be heard and listened to. She prayed that her son would be surrounded with love and light and joy after he died; that he would be surrounded by rainbows and clouds that told stories, shooting stars and ladybugs and butterflies, and that he would give her some of these signs every now and then to show her that he was happy and safe. She prayed that he would live his last hours peacefully; that her sorrow and her family’s sorrow would not keep him from knowing the love and joy they felt for having known him. She prayed that his love would live on inside of her, and she promised that she would dedicate her life to making him proud.



I Am With You Always

You live within me
Yet fear blinds my sight
Keeps me locked in shadow

I live within you
Your heart is My home
Your deeds My greatest joy

I don't understand
The tests of this world
The sorrow we must feel

As coal becomes a diamond
You must also be honed
By tests which lead to purification

What is the purpose?
Of suffering and loss?

Of sadness and pain?

Without tests
How would you know Me?
What purpose would life have?

I fear I will die
Having wasted the time you have given me
Walking alone in anger

Fear not death
It is a messenger of joy
Drawing you to Me

And know that there has never been a moment
When you have ever walked alone
For I am with you always



Photo from Michelle Joanne Andrews website 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

My Cage, My Wings

And one more... This one seemed to deserve it's own post.... I wrote this in Sep-2014. I was thinking about what the hardest memory/time period is for me to re-live, which was my from my Senior year in High School to my Sophmore year in college (between 2004 and 2006), and the moment that for me epitomizes that time period. I wanted to be able to move past it, so I wrote it into a poem. It totally helped... Sorry, it's pretty dark...

My Cage, My Wings

Lost in empty hollowness
Bite marks on my arms
Alone in the darkness
Of my own confusion and pain
I stared at my wrists
Wondering what it would be like
To break the skin, to bleed.
I wondered
Would anyone care
If my body finally mirrored
What I felt was happening
In my heart

I took out a pair of scissors
And lightly drew them across my skin
Putting pressure, but not enough
Knowing I would never do it
Feeling guilty even thinking of it
Wishing for five minutes
I could simply shut out my conscience

In the darkest moment of my life
My conscience was my cage
There was no escape

I wasn't alive in this world
But I couldn't leave it either
It was unquestionable
It killed me with shame
And guilt and sorrow

Broken and shattered
I  died over and over again
Abusing and bruising my body
Out of frustration and hatred
Knowing it would never let me give up

Yet I look back and am grateful
For that cage
For the shackles and imprisonment

For my conscience,
My connection with God

For though in that moment
It was my cage

In actuality
It was my wings

Previously unposted poems

I keep telling myself that I haven’t written much in the last few years, but it’s not true. I just haven’t written much that I felt was uplifting enough or polished enough to post on my blog. But maybe my blog isn’t just here for uplifting/polished poetry. Maybe it is a reflection of what is going on in my heart and thus, everything has a place. So here are some other poems I wrote in the last couple years, which perhaps aren't my norm, but are still my truth:


Inner Voice (12-Mar-2014)

I was drowning, worried & confused
Unsure whether the path I was on
Was leading me to You
In confusion I turned to my heart
And asked “What do you want?
What do you feel?”
And in a quiet voice I heard these words:
“Do you trust Me?”
Oh it brought me to tears
I thought I knew the answer
And had known it all these years


Searching for Confirmation (24-May-2014)

Searching for the echoes of Your confirmation
I hold my breath and wait
Listening for every nuance, looking for any movement
Begging to be guided to my fate

Manifesting my hearts inner yearning
Tears flow from my questing eyes
Their efforts thus far unrewarded
For even the wind seems to have silenced its cries

I beg You to guide me, to lighten my heart
To help me to see what I cannot find
Your gentle and nurturing encouragement and love
Leading me to grow into the girl You designed



Questions (09-Aug-2014)

How do I know?
When to move or when to wait?
When to be patient or to step into my fate?
What do You wish for me right now?
If my life is a boat, are You at the prow?
What does it mean to trust in You?
Do I wait and trust You will guide me when the time is right?
Or do I need to move for You to lead me into the light?
How can I make my movement and stillness wholly directed by Thee?
Please Baha’u’llah, will You show me?


Flight(08-Nov-2014)

There is wisdom and purpose in everything that happens
Feel My support lifting you higher
If you keep your wings open and spread
I will guide you, My little flyer


A reflection and a prayer (10-Jan-2015)

The rain is pouring outside
As I sit here prayerfully writing
Yearning to put into words
The stream of emotions my heart is reciting
The awe I feel within my heart
For the woman sitting beside me
The yearning in my soul
To let the light of Your love guide me
With all my heart I pray
For spiritual transformation
To live the life You wish for me
And fulfil my purpose with grace and determination


The Fruit of Your Love (31-Jan-2015)

The birds partake of the fruits of Your love
As it pours forth from Your Holy essence
They come to receive sustenance
And fly away newly strengthened
But some continue to stay
Unable to leave the nest of Your mercy
Filling their bodies by Your generosity
Returning again and again to this hallowed spot
Praying that the fruit of Your love
Will sustain and strengthen them
When eventually they fly off
To bring the seeds You have placed inside them
To a dying world.


For Victor (12-Feb-2015)

To break free from this prison
This world  that we live in
No longer struggling to fight
To draw closer to His light
Surrounded by love and grace
Truly serving His glorious face
May our prayers lift you even higher
Our love surround you in this transition


Untitled (27-Apr-2015)

Sheltered under the branches of Your grace
I watch and I wait
I yearn to step beyond the shade
To give rather than take
I am sheltered and protected from the world
But how can I give
When everything I want to give
Is not really needed here?
I wish this wasn't my wish.
I don’t know if I'm truly ready
To leave behind these paths of stone
The red geraniums, the olive trees
Is anyone ever ready to say good-bye?
To the rose fragrance wafting from those sacred thresholds?
I yearn to breathe again
To feel, to see
Maybe these aren't things I will find by leaving
Maybe I must find them within me.
But where? How?



Something to Ponder (28-Apr-2015)

A mountain, solid and strong
stands firm in my memories.
A reminder of a world, a foundation,
which I left behind a long time ago.
I stand on a different mountain now,
also solid and strong.
Far less majestic in stature
And yet, a spiritual centre
in a world filled with darkness.
But for some reason,
my heart is hollow.
Often completely blind
to the gifts that surround it.
Have I attached it to the wrong world?
To the material rather than the spiritual?
Something to ponder.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Battle

We fight
My ego and I
A bitter battle of will
Unending and unyielding
Both determined to find weakness in the opponent's defence
Both searching for any sign of fatigue
But my ego never tires
It never sleeps
While at times my walls grow thin
My resolve wavers
My light dims

Just a little

But in these moments
As in every moment
You are always there
When I start to slip
You remind me of the gift that the battle holds
The glorious mysterious treasure
That becomes more and more clear
With each confrontation

For with every collision
That my ego and I have
My heart is purified and cleansed
And through this process
I am able to see more clearly
To understand more deeply
To love more sincerely
And to shine Your light more truly
To a world that is desperate
To gaze upon your beauty




Wednesday, March 11, 2015

My Heart's Desire

Grant that I may serve You as a mother
That I may serve You as a wife
That I may serve You in every aspect of my life

















"With this prayer doth Thy servant call Thee, at dawntide and in the night-season.  Fulfill his heart's desire, O Lord!  Illumine his heart, gladden his bosom, kindle his light, that he may serve Thy Cause and Thy servants." -'Abdu'l-Baha

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

How do I?

How do I sacrifice more deeply?
How do I love more completely?
How do I align my life more with Your will?
How do I ensure my cup, I eventually fill?
How do I draw closer to You with each passing day,
And learn to see colors in what is only grey?
How do I feel Your gentle breeze,
And recognize the confirmations I receive?
How do I see in each test sweet gifts,
And ensure my heart never drifts?
How do I pray with greater ferver,
And live life as more than just an observer?
How do I know I am who You wish me to be?
How do I become a bird, flying high and free?


Monday, March 2, 2015

A Promise

Come into My arms, that I may fill thy heart with My love
Come into My arms, that I may keep you safe from harm
Come into My arms, that you may taste the sweetness of reunion with Me
Come into My arms, that you may see the truth of My gifts to thee
Come into My arms, that you may know the glory I wish for thee
Come into My arms, and I will comfort thee
Have faith, My love
Believe in Me, and you will feel all that is already yours


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Sacrifice

As a seed is sacrificed so new life can grow
So too do I yearn for sacrifice
To give up this vulnerable, small form
For the growth of a new and beautiful reality 
To cast aside all attachment 
And in so doing rend asunder the veils blurring my sight
Make me as dust in the pathway of Thy loved ones
That I may forget myself completely
Waft to me the sweet fragrance of true vision
And grant that I may die to the world and live only for You
This is my heart's desire



Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Veils

Sometimes I feel confined
Lost and blind
To the purpose of my service

Wandering in darkness
Unable to harness
The glory and gift of this experience

Sorrow consumes me
That I cannot serve Thee
In the way I would like to

And for a time, I am lost to You
As I struggle to break through
The veils I cannot see


Sunday, January 25, 2015

Resplendent

A pearl
Its surface reflecting the glory
Of it's untold story
Imperfect, yet glorious
By its very nature victorious
Shines resplendent within you
Within me

Every experience
Adding a layer to our being
A boundless ocean freeing
Us from the dust that gave us this form
From the ego's storm
Drawing us further from ourselves
Towards God

I choose this form
To shape my inner self
A manifestation of the wealth
You placed within my heart
Your glorious art
I must polish the mirror of my soul
And let Your light shine through it
Resplendent