My Cage, My Wings

And one more... This one seemed to deserve it's own post.... I wrote this in Sep-2014. I was thinking about what the hardest memory/time period is for me to re-live, which was my from my Senior year in High School to my Sophmore year in college (between 2004 and 2006), and the moment that for me epitomizes that time period. I wanted to be able to move past it, so I wrote it into a poem. It totally helped... Sorry, it's pretty dark...

My Cage, My Wings

Lost in empty hollowness

Bite marks on my arms

Alone in the darkness

Of my own confusion and pain

I stared at my wrists

Wondering what it would be like

To break the skin, to bleed.

I wondered

Would anyone care

If my body finally mirrored

What I felt was happening

In my heart

I took out a pair of scissors

And lightly drew them across my skin

Putting pressure, but not enough

Knowing I would never do it

Feeling guilty even thinking of it

Wishing for five minutes

I could simply shut out my conscience

In the darkest moment of my life

My conscience was my cage

There was no escape

I wasn't alive in this world

But I couldn't leave it either

It was unquestionable

It killed me with shame

And guilt and sorrow

Broken and shattered

I  died over and over again

Abusing and bruising my body

Out of frustration and hatred

Knowing it would never let me give up

Yet I look back and am grateful

For that cage

For the shackles and imprisonment

For my conscience,

My connection with God

For though in that moment

It was my cage

In actuality

It was my wings