Waiting For Wonder

Each time I think of it, my heart aches and tears stream down my face. Not so much in sadness, as in longing. I yearn to walk out of my house and be struck with awe at the beauty. To breathe in deeply and have my lungs filled with ecstasy, with calm, with peace. The peace that only nature can bring. The peace that only true deep love can create. Perhaps this is only a dream. Perhaps it is a reality that I must forge for myself. A glimpse of what my future could hold if I would let it.

In my mind I see a girl sitting by a warm fire, in a beautiful brick fireplace. Watching the snow fall outside. Each flake lightly gliding down past the windowsill. Muffling the sounds and stress of the world. Leaving in it’s wake, a calm sense of tranquility. Everything grows still and quiet. All that is heard is the slight pitter-patter of the snow layering the roof. Time ceases to exist. She sits there for hours, not realizing that a single second has passed. Slowly the snowfall grows thinner and thinner, until it stops. She gets up and walks outside, not knowing what to expect, not even realizing she has gotten up. Just letting her body go where it yearns to be.

Standing in the doorway she can see the thick snow layering the ground. She can see the mountains in all their glory reaching up to the sky. Seemingly so close and yet in reality so far away. Creating an awe-inspiring contrast of white on blue. A sky so blue it is as if she is looking into God’s eyes. Connecting on a deeper level than she has ever connected before. Deeper than heart to heart. Even deeper than soul to soul. It is essence to essence. As if she never truly existed until that moment. Each breath she takes is her first breath. Every sense is awakened. She has no thought but to stand there. No feeling but the wind in her hair, the cold, clear air in her lungs, the joy in her heart. No understanding or classification of what she is seeing. Her brain has shut down completely, leaving her body to do the listening and comprehension. She finally understands what it truly is to “live in the moment.” No thoughts in her mind. No words to describe what she is feeling. Simply the moment and nothing else.

In my mind, this girl slowly becomes me. She walks inside and sits back down by the window. She sits and she waits. She waits for the cactus to become pine trees, for the dirt to become snow, for the heat to become cold. She waits for the air to become crisp. She waits for her heart to be truly happy again. She waits. Patiently she waits for the day when she will be able to sit and watch the snow fall again. She waits patiently for the day when she will be able to stand outside in the cold air with the sun on her face, completely in the moment with no thoughts for the future or the past. She is tucked away inside of me, but she will always be there. Waiting. Patiently waiting.